We had our first trip to the ER last night. It was after dinner, when my kids are wound up and happy. Somehow DD started running from the kitchen to the living room with Blaise in tow. I don't think he realized Blaise had somehow lost his footing. Blaise fell with some force, and hit his little forehead on the door jam corner. I scooped Blaise up, and when I flipped him over, saw this huge gash on his head, and tissue beneath that's supposed to be covered with skin! Scary! Dan and I instantly knew he needed stitches. We told the kids to get their shoes on. Thankfully, the gash didn't bleed like crazy. But, oh, how my baby kept crying.

We hesitated a moment trying to decide where to go. Urgent care? ER? I thought an urgent care would be just fine, but I came to the realization that Dayton doesn't have a children's urgent care, save for in Springboro...which closes at 8p on Sunday. It was 8:02. I was pretty sure a regular urgent care wouldn't touch him because he was so young. After a quick call to a friend, we decided Children's it was.

The ride there was fine. Blaise had calmed down, although he kept trying to touch his head. He would shake it from side to side and cry 'donk head'.

Dan dropped me off at the ER, then he was going to take the kids home, and have my mom come and stay with them so he could come back with me. I'm not sure how other families do it, but I didn't want to wait the whopping ten minutes for my mom to come over before we left.

I was a bit nervous about being at the hospital. I don't know why my worries centered around us not vaccinating our kiddos! But I honesty rationalized myself out of those worries, and turned them into elements of gratitude. I was grateful for having an understanding pediatrician, and living in a country where we are allowed to make decisions such as these.

Blaise loved the waiting room, and touched every little germy toy in there. He approached every other "baby" (toddlers) he saw, wanting to hug, or shove them, I don't know. Who knows how many germs we came home with- but for the record, he did have many false alarm bathroom breaks, so we washed hands several times.

It probably took an hour total, from when I walked in the door to when they took us back to the exam room. Dan had come by then, and I was so thankful. I knew they would have to restrain him to do the stitches, and I knew that alone would make him wail. But I knew they had to do in, and was okay with it. So they asked Dan to lay him on the little restraint board as I watched them velcro him in. A large male nurse was there to hold Blaise's head immobile. Him and the Physician's assistant (doing the stitches) took their seats, while Dan stood, holding Blaise's hands and talking to him.

They turned on some lovely calming background music and got started. I was sitting in the chair in the corner first, and then would alternate between sitting and standing and talking to Blaise.

Blaise did as expected and cried the moment he left Dan's arms, to the moment he returned to those strong arms: approx 8 min. About a minute into the stitches, I sat in the chair and tears began falling from me as well. I knew these guys were doing what they had to do. I was okay with that. I knew Blaise was 'fine' in a sense that he wasn't in agonizing pain or anything. It's just hearing your baby cry, and knowing you can't do anything to comfort him was very, very difficult. And maybe just being aware of truly how much you love a child- well, it just made me cry.

Until I remembered that Dan doesn't do so well with blood. I got up and asked if he was okay. He nodded, although he kept turning his head when the needle would go into Blaise. I asked again, and then realized that Dan wanted to be right where he was, so I just kept talking to Blaise.

I think it was a little funny how they staff chit chat with you a little. At one point the nurse, after seeing me sitting, crying looked over and asked if I was okay. I nodded. Then a little later, after we were both talking to, and soothing Blaise, he asked if this was our first time here. We admitted it was. Yep, you could tell. We were both so shaken up by our baby needing ten stitches. Later Dan reflected, 'How were we supposed to act?' that would've made it look like we've done this before. I find it hard to believe I wouldn't have cried...no matter how old my child, no matter how 'simple' the procedure. We both felt reassured by each other that we did exactly what we were supposed to. We definitely weren't interfering with their work by our attempts to comfort Blaise.

Afterward, Dan was fairly pale. He sat down, but refused a drink offered by this kind, and concerned nurse. After they left, I joked that he really was a bit pale. He said he knew how he felt, and he was not going to faint. He mentioned that it really wasn't the blood that made him feel that way, because there really was very little blood. He said it was more...empathy. (Dan's had pretty serious stitches in the past). "I mean, I know how that feels...and...." his voice kinda trailed off, and I filled it in with "...and he's our baby." He nodded as I sat there holding our sleeping kiddo.

When we got home, Blaise was still asleep so we laid him in our bed. He did fine for about an hour, but then woke up restless and in pain. "Donk head!" he'd say through tears. We gave him some remedy, but that and being in our bed was not getting him to sleep so we gave him some Tylenol.

That did the trick. he's still snoozing, which I think is where I'm headed next.

I've been thinking a lot about this post, and am so grateful for having read it. I need to read it often, and the comments that follow.

I feel like I'm one of those parents, that have a lot of fear. I grew up in a less-than-perfect family, and had such a simple perception of what a family should be. I thought everyone else's family was 'perfect'. I'm not talking about getting lots of presents on your birthday, or taking that family trip to Disneyworld. In the light of faith, I felt that there were other families that were doing it 'right', didn't have all the struggles our family had, and, well, that made them perfect.

As if there were a formula for raising a good family.

No, there's no formula. I believe there are good components, good things to do, good things that must, and should be a part of a good family. But as the article basically pointed out- no guarantees.

Bummer.

I really like guarantees. I really like formulas. I really like science, and math. They're so....predictable. Reliable.

Ah, not so with human beings, especially ones created by God, with a free will.

I am no where near the stage of motherhood as the mom in the article. Although, by the grace of being a mother, I have a glimpse of some of the things that us moms go through, as far as guilt, and responsibility, and complete and utter love for these children God has given us. I also feel those fears- fears of how my family was raised, and how many have turned away from the faith, fear that I may some day encounter that same thing with my own children, and a determined drive to all and all prevent that in any way shape or form from that happening to my children.

But that determination sometimes puts too much trust on those externals: homeschooling, limited exposure to social dangers, virtue clubs, more virtue clubs. Check them all off, cus more is better, and we have to work our hardest at making sure these souls are not lost. Well, it's not that any of these things are bad at all, but my trust in them being the end-all-be-all is sorely misguided. It can only be through a solid foundation of trust in God, in His plan- that He has a plan for each and every one of us- myself as a mother, the very children He gave specifically to us, and a plan for each and every one of my children.

Sigh.

Then comes by biggest fear.

My fear that I won't have that 'perfect' life.

Okay, sounds a bit nutty, but secretly, I think of St. Monica sometimes, and think- sheesh! She just had a horrible husband and messed-up son, and just spent her whole life in prayer and sacrifice for them. And her husband converted, but it took his whole life! I hesitate to write 'what a waste', because deep down, I know it was every bit not a waste. God gives us so, so many opportunities for his grace, not one sacrifice we make will go unnoticed by Him.

But that's just it. I'm so stubborn. And selfish. I shudder at the thought of a St. Monica life. No! I just want a nice happy family, and good, faithful children, and a long happy marriage, and a little piece of land to carry out my vocation. Not really the typical 'American dream', but very much the American stubbornness and selfishness that says: this is what I want, and I'll have it no matter what.

This year has been a pretty rough one for me, looking back. I think a lot of it, though, has to do with me, and my reluctance to trust God with my life, and accept everything He sends as for my good. I know in my heart of hearts that suffering in this life is so misunderstood, yet I feel like one of those people crying out to God, 'why me?' When I read articles like this, I am so humbly reminded that it is so not about me, or my life, or what I want or expect to get out of this life. It's not about checklists to do the 'right' thing, in hopes of a 'perfect' outcome. It's not about earthly happiness. It's about learning to live in God's love, and trust, to share that love, and show that love every single day of your life, no matter what He sends your way. To let that love transform your life, and flow over to those he has placed in your care. To accept His love every day, through joys or suffering, and allow His grace to work in you. For me, the article was powerful, but it was also so good to read all the comments, of wayward children that returned to Christ. In those, you hear the stories of the sufferings the mothers endured, and how those sufferings transformed those women to chose to carry their cross with God's grace. Sigh. That is what I fear. That is what I resist.

Faith. Hope. Trust. Grace. That is what I need.

P.S. As said, I'm no where near the stage of motherhood as in the article. My oldest is only eight, and I'm a controlling, homeschool mom. :) My oldest made First Confession and Holy Communion this year. For me, there was a distinct feeling of letting go. A clear realization that she is taking the steps in her faith formation to have a relationship with Christ all her own. I relish that she sometimes asks to pray with me. But today, when she went in the confessional on her own, that realization was there again: that she was created by God, for God, and is only on loan to us. She is going somewhere I cannot follow, and this is how it should be. She is forming her own relationship with Christ. I pray she never, never loses it.

I'm going to lose sleep, and skip making a much-needed grocery list to write tonight. Today is All Soul's day. I'm felt very close to Dad today. We made it to Mass early this morning, and then went to the cemetery afterward. It was nice. Yes, nice. I love being up and about early in the morning. The sun rising, and shining so bright in the blue sky. Perfect compliment to the crisp, cool air and damp dew still on the grass at the cemetery. We didn't stay too long. We had flowers to put on the grave, and we said some prayers there. This is what Dad did so many years of our life. We would go to a cemetery after school, and pray for the dead. We would drive to North Star once my dad learned he had a relative buried up there. leaving around 4p, getting there near 5, sun setting, very chilly. We'd pray one cold decade of the rosary, and finish the rest in the car on the way home. It's so much nicer visiting a cemetery in the morning of this second day of Nov.

Of course, we couldn't leave the cemetery without visiting the infants. We found the ones we knew and asked for their prayers for us.

So what a nice thing Dad instilled in us. You visit a cemetery on All Soul's day. You bury the dead, and continue to pray for them. Not only is it such a comfort that the whole Church is recognizing a day to do this, it is such a neat thing that my dad gets to benefit from his example, by having his children and grandchildren come to his grave and do exactly as he taught us. That brings me great comfort.

Strange how I've been thinking of this day for quite some time. Setting it aside in my head and planning how I was going to commemorate it. In a way, it's almost as special to me as the anniversary of his death would be, just because he held in such high esteem.

After a terrible week last week, I'm so happy to be feeling like myself again. I had a very wicked head cold, combined with the usual grief issues, and then what I believe was a serious surge of pregnancy hormones. Sheesh! What a concoction! Things cleared up on Friday, and I just remember waking up feeling like a totally different person- in a good way. Feeling like myself again. I remember pregnancy hormones doing that to me before. I just wish there were some way I could see around that when I'm in the midst of it! Very hard for me.

Anyway, feeling better led to a very, very busy weekend of furious sewing. Soldier costumes for my boys for the All Saint's day party at Church, and then a lovely Rapunzel costume for my dear Rose on Monday. All done with a poor teething baby who would not sleep well at all. Isn't it always that way for me? Somehow, whenever the babe is teething, I'm supposed to stay up all night and finish some colossal project.

Well, we made it through, and, in fact, made it through quite well. I felt so good about the All Saint's party. It really was fun, and we had a lot of help, and I just love seeing all the kids dressed as different saints. For the record, my boys were St. Martin of Tours(Sam) and St. Florian (Dominic)- both Roman soldiers from the third century. Rose was St. Faustina. Next day for Halloween, my boys couldn't just wear the lovely soldier costumes that I slaved over. Instead Sam wore the famous tin man costume and looked great. Dominic decided he wanted to be a cowboy. Between a had of Dan's, some 'cowboy' boots of mine, a denim jacket of Rose's and leather gloves and rope, he was the coolest cowboy I've ever seen. With a hint of Indiana Jones. Rose insisted I make the renascence princess dress to be Rapunzel. It turned out lovely in the three hours it took to make it...starting at 3p on Monday, thanks to a baby that wouldn't nap (among other things). Her hair turned out great.

Exhausting as it all was, I really enjoyed seeing the kids all have such a good time. Along with that joy was a bit of relief, as if a bit of a burden had been lifted. Or a 'chore' checked off my list. I hate to look at it that way, but with things being so busy lately, and my mood and energy being so mysterious, I was really glad to accomplish some things for my family that I see as things I should be doing.

Pictures to come.

Deep breath in. And I exhale. I think things are going to be alright. I think they are getting better, in many ways.

I went to what I predict to be my last visit to the counselor at Hospice. It's been over a month since I've been there. And what a month it's been. I was really looking forward to going again. This visit was different. A little more...upbeat. Insightful. Calm. So I don't know why I was a little surprised at the end, when I was told I didn't really need to make another appointment, unless I really wanted to. Trust has been a big part of going to these appointments. This counselor's assessment of things, and confidence in the way she presented things led to my trust in her. Although part of me doubted some of the things she said, I kept telling myself to trust her. So, too, in this, I trust her. I feel like I'm finally 'getting it'. All the things she's been explaining to me about the grief and emotions I've been going through. It's looking a little clearer. I'm ready to let go of a lot of past hurts, and make my future, my life as good as it can be. I'm ready to accept grief as it comes, and let it come. I think things are going to be alright.

A relaxing, memorable weekend at Kelley's Island helped tremendously in taking my mind off of things. I honestly did not think of the kitchen once. Not once. Although I was a bit disappointed I couldn't bring the microwave like I wanted. :)

The kitchen is coming along nicely. Last week had too many blips from real life get in the way of doing the kitchen, which kind of annoyed me. So this week we try again. Dan has the grout on half of the tiles (including where the stove goes!). I couldn't be happier. It looks so good. He is so wonderful.

Physically, I'm feeling better. Not so tired. And I am sooo thankful for blogs. This one has been lingering in my mind a lot lately...especially number three. Thankful for my usual E. Foss blogs, on the other end of the baby spectrum, reminding me that this time really is so short. These thoughts have greatly helped me grasp this whole pregnancy thing.

Then, in addition to all the grieving emotions, and hormone emotions, there's the guilt. I remember feeling this a bit with the last one. I was a bit overcome with worry about the future, and it clouded my joy. I felt guilty. Of all I know of pregnancy and motherhood, I should be elated to be pregnant right? Another soul to give glory to God! God's miraculous creative power working inside of me! Ah, but alas, I am human. And it saddens me that with this pregnancy, too, it was met with worry, and grief, and sorrow, and maybe even a tad of anger- definitely stemming from selfishness. Okay, in all reality, I just laughed. Literally laughed when I saw the pregnancy test results. I was in utter disbelief. I really thought I just had a UTI. Ha!

But as those feelings gradually fade (thank God!!!), they are replaced with thoughts of trusting in God. It's something I struggle with, and I really feel like He's calling me to this. After all, I feel like this child is totally His doing. Okay, I know not totally, but really, it's His timing. His doing, I tell ya. I really would not have chosen this...right now. But in a small way, it is almost exciting to think of it that way. That despite all else going on, God trusts us enough, at this time, at this moment, to bring forth another life. I feel that so strongly, and I don't want to let Him down. It's giving me courage and strength to go on and make things work out. Yes, I think things are going to be alright.

Next morning:

So with this next day, during my prayers, I realize what is different. I am at peace. I finally feel like I have some peace over my dad's passing. I feel more at peace with my vocation in life, and the current state of things in my life, and the future, come what may. It is a confident peace, not one that fears it is only here temporarily. It a peace that comes from trusting God, and those he put in my life to help me get through this life. I think so often I feel like I'm in this all alone. What a burden that feels like. I wake up refreshed, with no burden. Just today, and whatever it holds. It's trust, that brings this peace, and it is such a wonderful feeling.

August Already Daybook

Outside My Window::

::dark. Not so hot.

I am Listening to::

::Cole Porter

I am wearing ::

:: deep royal blue tee, same color cotton shorts. Comfy.

I am Thankful For::

::

~a working washing machine.

~finally getting to visit a dear friend and her new bundle of joy.

~a really hard-working husband.

~a husband who isn't afraid to put this outspoken, free-wielding woman "in her place". Okay, in nicer terms, I'm thankful my husband and I have a mutual respect for each other, and on certain things, when push comes to shove, he is the head of this house, and I recognize that, and am SO thankful for that dynamic.

I am Pondering::

::what to do tomorrow. I want to scrap every responsibility in life and just finish this kitchen. Not really possible.

I am Reading::

::10 Habits of Happy Moms. This is one of those life-changing books, where I'm actually struggling to get through some of it. It's really reaching me at many levels, and I don't know that I'm doing so well with that.

One Thousand Gifts.

A Mother's Rule of Life. This is great, but requires a lot of 'homework'. I'm a little behind on that, so it's got me a little reluctant to pick it up!

From the Kitchen::

::Still making dinners most nights, which I am very proud of. Sauteed fish tonight. Fresh beets, cucumber salad. And FABULOUS muffins with everything in them. From a friend's kitchen. Thanks Maryann!!

I am Thinking::

::I was thinking of a lot of posts I wanted to write. I've been thinking about the things in the 10 Habits. I mull on that stuff a bit. Maybe just where I am in life right now makes me contemplate things a lot.

I am Creating::

::Well, still trying to create that kitchen.

Towards a Real Education::

::Still reading Little House. Plans on doing major school planning Aug. 16.

Towards Rhythm and Beauty::

::Hard to with this kitchen!!! I guess I'm very compartmental and I want to finish one thing before I start another. Never before have I felt like I have so many loose ends in my life, due to lack of rhythm and order! I keep telling myself it will not be this way forever. It will get better. I just have a hard time getting past the kitchen issue, and resolving to find and keep a rhythm for the rest of the house.

To Live the Liturgy::

::Trying to stay afloat. Hoping to NOT miss some great August feast days. Okay, that prompted me to look up the Catholic calendar to find those feasts. Now, and for quite some time, I've wanted to have that Catholic calendar on my Google. My attempt was futile. Anyone know how to do this??? It would help me immensely.

I am Hoping and Praying::

::for some family members.

that a November Anniversary trip gets planned somewhere in all this chaos we call our life.

In the Garden::

::Ha!

Around the House::

::Ha, again! Okay, no more drawers in the living room. Just some overflow tools and kitchen things.

Lots of laundry needing done.

Fruit flies. So many of the blasted things in the kitchen. We're using the kitchen, as a kitchen, while re-doing the kitchen. Makes for one big kitchen mess, of all kinds. Including fruit flies. Ugh.

On Keeping Home::

::

This:

Lodged just so, making me think my washing machine was broken. It was only discovered upon removing the wet clothes in order to wash them elsewhere. And thanks be to God, upon removal, the washer worked once again. (Okay, and what kind of nutty wife am I: before this discovery, Dan's assessment was that the motor was probably fried, and we'd need to think about getting a new one. AND I SAID NO! No to a new, front load washer! Most women would jump at the excuse to get one. No, I'm quite content with this one until it really breaks...I mean unfixably breaks. Crazy wife).

One of My Favorite Things::

::my new cabinet and countertop in the kitchen where there was not one before.

Blaise this week::

::Went potty a few times very successfully!! Yeah!

Imitates everyone. "doing an Irish dance, HEY!" He walks around mumbling, then shouting "HEY!"

A Few Plans for the Rest of the Week::

::A stove in the house by Monday??? Would be Sunday, but we're going to a lovely baptism and party all day. Yeah!

A Picture Thought I'm sharing::

Outside My Window::

::hot, stifling, muggy, yuccy night air.

I am Listening to::

::the refrigerator hum.

I am wearing ::

:: a pretty pink top. Too hot for shorts (or, just never got around to getting my jammie pants on. Sorry, TMI).

I am Thankful For::

::

~finally being able to make it to pray and play today. I so dearly love that group.

~a dear friend that let us swim in her pool today. What a joy seeing all my children have such a good time.

~a hard working husband, who shares with me his joys, and troubles.

~maybe a light at the end of the kitchen tunnel. maybe.

~a dear, dear, dear nun-friend whom I just love. So nice to get to see her in person, talk at length, grow a deeper friendship.

I am Pondering::

:: stuff in 10 habits for happy mothers. Really good book so far, and it really must be the timing of it. I really want to believe what's in that book. I really want to believe these are steps I can take toward my happiness. Happiness- something that's been very distant to me for some weeks, has found it's way back in my life, and I'm, well, so happy! So it's nice to have this book kind of nudging me to really practice these things in order to keep happiness around.

gratitude lately. Having a heck of a week last week is helping me to really focus on things in which to be grateful.

I am Reading::

::10 Habits of Happy Moms, and One Thousand Gifts. I've heard so much good about both. I bought 10 Habits right off, grabbing anything to squelch my depression. I say it's doing a good job.

One Thousand gifts has been on my mind a lot, but I didn't buy it long ago, even when it was on sale!!! I just have too many books. I randomly found it at the library the other night. Yes! Thank you God!

Oh, and A Mother's Rule of Life, with a bookclub. Really like the book, and the club doing the study. I feel like I could be doing better at applying the concepts in the book. Really need to do that. Baby steps.

From the Kitchen::

::Ha! My makeshift kitchen. I am so proud of myself this week. I made 'real' dinners every night. Every. night. I even, out of necessity and partly to escape the heat, went to Meijer on Tues. We went right after noon Mass, I bought all the kids a lunchable and banana. We got water at the little 'cafe' and sat there and ate our lunch. For an hour. Then we wandered through the store. No list. No coupons. No worries. Just creating meals in my head, and buying tons of veggies. So we feasted this week on meat. And lots of veggies every night. I used my electric skillet one night, the grill the next, and Dad's roaster oven last night. It sounds nutty to have scalloped potatoes when it's 100 degrees out. But it cooked outside in this awesome roaster oven. I just love it! And they were so yummy! Tonight- cold taco salad. Tomorrow-microwaved leftovers. I do so want a kitchen, though, because I feel a cooking bug coming on, which has been lost for, well, months, seasons, now. I don't want to lose it!! Plus I want to make yummy meals for that slew of mama's I know that just gave birth! Ah, in time.

I am Thinking::

:: trying not to!!!! :) Trying to live in the moment. Not think about things of the past, or worries of the future. Just here. Just now. God's will.

I am Creating::

:: Oh, I finally got my sewing machine out!!! I told myself that Thursday afternoon, Rose and I would sew. Living in the here and now. Realizing the unfinished sewing projects and dreams of mine for my daughter can remain dormant in the past. For now, we are going to learn on the machine. My girl is eight, and I have hopes of coming home from the fair this year with a Hello Kitty sewing machine to stash away for Christmas. I want her to know she can use it and create with it.

So we made this skirt. No pics to post because we still have to do the hem. She preferred to make iron-bead-animal things today. Okay. We're still creating. It feels so good. Now to get some of MY projects accomplished...

On my iPod::

:: Randy Travis today. Forever and ever, Amen.

Towards a Real Education::

:: Reading Little House books at night. I'm amazed at how quickly the chapters are going! I can be one of those moms that reads to her kids every night!! It is just between the hours of 9 and 10.

I thought we do more structured math this summer. I guess not. Not too worried, for some reason.

Lots of ideas for next year, as far as organizing, and curriculum, and planning, and schedules, and planning, and real lesson plans. I'm excited, and a bit whelmed, but not intimidated. I kinda am putting it off till after Kelley's Island, though. Or at least our kitchen completion. Whichever comes first. :)

Towards Rhythm and Beauty::

:: Beauty is a Land's end swimsuit. Yup, I said it. I forgot that in my list of things I'm grateful for. Sorry, I will never purchase a wal mart or meijer suit again. Enormous, wonderful, flattering, good-feeling difference.

Sorry, that felt a little vain.

Hard to find too much beauty with cabinet drawers in stacked in the living room. The cabinets themselves are beautiful. The tile, and countertop will be as well.

We have been trying to keep the living room clean by picking up the things before we eat (since we eat in the living room) and before bed. I like that.

To Live the Liturgy::

:: A family rosary this week!! A taste of the rhythm we started before discord set in from remodeling...and heat. BUT, a family rosary is great in 100 degree weather! It's too hot to really move and do anything else!

My dear sister-friend being in town this week was an excuse to take my kiddos to noon Mass. Haven't done that in a while, and I want to keep it going. I tend to lose sight of the liturgical year in the summer, as if it gets shelved with the school books. So I tend to miss really big saint feast days that fall in the summer. Not so for the rest of this summer. I want to get a calendar and mark all those feast days I want to celebrate by at least going to Mass. Starting with dear St. Anne.

Waking up before the kids and getting prayers in: definitely a good thing.

Talking about and teaching my children gratitude.

I am Hoping and Praying::

:: for family members that have left the church, or are precariously on the brink. My the list seems long.

In the Garden::

:: a groundhog!! We have nothing but tall weeds and dill, and I still see that stinking groundhog run when I go outside. My herb garden is overflowing, needing weeding. Needing harvesting. Not this week.

Around the House::

::LOTS of library books. Boy, when we go to the library, we really stock up. Thank you, little computer that I have to scan all my own books on. 49 books is quite enough.

On Keeping Home::

:: A consult with a designer about what colors would look good in the kitchen, given the tile, countertop and cabinet colors. Light Muslin wall paint. And how delightful- a lavendar/lilac/light purple to accent. This could be fun.

(I have to confess, that sounds so cool- a 'design consultant'. Watch out, we're living large now! Not really. Dan's brother is a designer. And he does, in fact, deserve all the cool words out there that describe him, but it's not like we 'hired' a designer. Lucky for us, he's in the family. :) And we are grateful for his help).

One of My Favorite Things::

:: electricity. Air conditioning. Kids quiet and sprawled out in the living room amid buko books, because it's way too hot outside to play.

Blaise this week::

:: Oh, what a poopy week for him. Potty-wise. We're trying, but just not hard enough. He's fairly happy to sit and read books on the potty, though.

Dan taught him how to flash a cheesy smile. It's so adorable. His eyes squint up, and those dimples come out. We'll have to take him to get his pictures done, and have him pose like that.

A Few Plans for the Rest of the Week::

:: I'm sure you can guess (involves a countertop. And maybe paint.)

What A Week.

We started on July 1 tearing up our kitchen in order to remodel. For eight days we worked tirelessly on this kitchen. ("We" being Dan and brothers, et al. My work being entirely different in nature than demolition- but work none the less). The following Saturday came and ended up being a terrible day for me. Looking back, it was most likely just the stress of the kitchen. But, my, it was strange how it exemplified itself through lots of tears and generalized depression. Ugh. Glad that day was over. Dan was equally stressed (without the crying, of course :), so Sunday we slowed down and was a much better day. Overall, the kitchen is coming along, slowly but surely, and I'm okay with that. It's a struggle for my go-at-it nature to take it slow, but no way do I want to go back to that Saturday again. So it's kind of nice to work with Dan, little by little, and see what we can get done.

THEN, enter God's plan. HA! He so has a sense of humor. Just when I get accustomed to the idea of slowing down, he really slows things down. Like along the lines of a terrible, unexpected wind storm. That knocks out our power for three. whole. days. OH, and over the weekend, Dan discovered the clamp to his exhaust broke, so he ordered the part online...and it's still not here. So he's been taking the van to work every day. So I've really been a stay-at-home mom.

BUT, I already have my kitchen set up in the back yard. It wasn't too much more of a stretch to just not have power. Tuesday was in the mid 90s, and I thought we were going to die. But really, I had a tent for shade, and the kids ended up playing all day on the tree that fell on the swing set. It was their tree house, and they were playing Little House on the Prairie. And loving it!!! I just worked slow and steady at washing kitchen things under the tent, to dry in the sun, and put away in the new cabinets. A little of my own Little House going on there.

Our neighbors were so generous in letting us plug our frig into their generator. It truly was the difference between a peaceful and wretched three days.

My biggest problem was wanting to do something...other than what I could do. I didn't really want to sort and clean kitchen stuff too much. I didn't want to move fallen branches. I didn't want to clean...inside the house or out. I wanted to paint. I wanted to move forward with this kitchen. All this other stuff seemed like a waste of time. I could be making some major painting headway, since I couldn't do things like cooking and laundry. Ah, but as I said, God was trying to help me learn. I'm not in charge. I don't always have the best ideas. There will be time for all those things.

So here, at week's end, I'm hoping we can make a dent in the kitchen tomorrow. Although I have so many other more interesting sounding things I'd like to do, most involving not being home, I know we have to buckle down and get some of that painting done. Ultimately, I would like to see this kitchen finished!

Oh, on Wed. night, Dan noticed the van had a screw in the front tire, so he temporarily fixed it. But for a minute, were were afraid of having no vehicle for the week! Sheesh!

I will eventually post nice pictures of how the kitchen is coming along. I didn't mean for this to be an all out complaining post. I guess I just want to remember just how bad this week was, when life seems to be going bad. But how, overall, Dan and I really pulled on each other's strength, and got through it, I think, better than we began.

I forgot- I guess I just wanted to mention how it made me smile, and persevere more when I realized that all things that happened this week, I believe, were directly from God. I mean, a lot of times, when problems arise, I look to see why. Almost find fault. Most often we are at fault. We should've taken care of this or that weeks ago. We should've worked harder, or seen this coming. I guess for me, it was very humbling to see that there was nothing we could've done better this week. We couldn't prevent the wind storm, or the exhaust clamp breaking, or the screw in the tire, or even not being able to paint! I just kept thinking "This is all God." But not in a disdainful way!!! Praised be to God! He is good, all the time. I guess I want to think about this week when I things in life do get tough, and remember that God sends us what we can handle, at the exact time, all for His reason. Blessed be God.

Gentleness. It's not the first word that comes to mind when I think of virtues. I guess I forget it is a virtue. I mean, faith, hope, charity- those are virtues. Easy to remember- sprinkled everywhere in our rich faith. But gentleness. Isn't that just kind of a 'good idea'? A recommendation of sorts. Maybe that's why I am loving discovering this virtue this month. I love love love Small Steps, and love spending a whole month on this wonderful virtue: Gentleness!!! Yes, a true blue virtue, that we should strive to incorporate in our life, as all the other virtues.

I guess I have no profound comments on how to exactly do this, or how it's working out in my life. :) I'm trying. I can say that much. I'm aware. I try to think before I speak, speak gentleness instead of shout. And it 'works'. I'm all about things working. Meaning: I feel better, my children are happier. We are all calmer, happier, and more apt to do what we are supposed to do.

I wanted to comment on the post from this link. I couldn't read it fast enough...clung to every word.

I wish I had this a dozen years ago. That poor college grad was me...to a T. Checklist and all. Hey, I am a list person, so that was okay, right??? HA! Lists and relationships don't really work. And yet, I felt there was a better way, I just didn't quite know.

I truly think this is the virtue I so need in my life. I know many of my faults and sins can be traced to pride, and I knew I just need to love more. I see now why that was so hard to achieve in my life, because it just seemed too broad. To me, it's like gentleness is a building block to love. Gentleness and humility, go hand in hand, and when you are humble and gentle, you will, in turn, be loving.

And so as I read this, and see that snobby, proud college grad that I was, I have such regrets. It is sooo true. I missed a lot of good people. I missed a lot of good for myself, as a result of scrupulosity.

I know I can't go back and do it over. But I am overjoyed at E. Foss's words. They resound so deeply in my life now, and I am thrilled to be able to have those wise words to share with my children during their lifetime. Oh, but it's not just enough to share those words. I, too, have been so inspired to live those words- with gentleness, and humility.

A happy post about a happy boy. My sweet Blaise is growing up before my very eyes. I'm sure if I search my past posts, there will be a similar one for Sam. It's like at one year old, something happens. That baby is still very much a baby, but all of a sudden, as if overnight, is a little toddler. It didnt' take long with Blaise. He was toddling, and walking, and now running...away. :) And laughing about it. He understands everything I say, sometimes even better than my older kids! 'Lets go', and he's headed toward the door, immediately. Pick this up, put it there. He does it. He's starting to say so many words. Daddy was the clearest word he said first, with DD being a close second. They're still his favorite. Rose is 'ro-ro', and Sammy, well, very rarely he'll sputter out a 'whammy'. Soo cute.

Ball, go, light, 'eady (for 'ready?'), guck for truck, car, are some other words he says well. Today it was 'go-go' for Lego! One of my favorite is "dye", to mean "guy". Whatever they're playing, the kids are always talking about a "guy". "I need a guy." "That's my guy." So Blaise picked up on that.

Of course he says mommy, but it's almost as rare as 'Sammy', unless you count the many times a day he cries and moans it, if I dare leave his sight.

Oh, and then there's 'bathroom', 'potty', and 'di-di' which means I guess I better look into potty training this kid. He seems way more ready than any of my others did at this age! We'll see.

Overall, he is such a fun, cuddly little big boy. He's got the cutest smile with dimples. I love to hold him, but I see that time quickly ending, as he is so independent. I love to see what he's going to say and do next. I just love that God gave us our sweet Blaisey.

So the pieces are starting to fit together, and I'm seeing a bigger picture of what I'm going through. This 'grief' still sucks, and the fact that it can include depression and possible burnout, well, sucks too. That's kind of how I feel these days. Like my very life has been sucked out of me. I have no energy to do what I have to do. I have no joy or desire to do the things I want to do. Well, there is some desire, but no real motivation. And now it's creeping into my livelihood, my vocation: motherhood. I shudder, and cringe at the idea. But last night was rock bottom, so I thought. And this morning, I just sobbed. I didn't want to do any of this any more. I can't cook and clean anymore. I don't want to take care of children anymore. I want to run away from it all. But to where??? That I still can't answer. I know deep down, there is no where else. This is my lifelong dream. This is my vocation. This is where God wants me. But I know there is a better way.

I'm still trying, but with the help of a dear spouse, and other dear people God has placed in my life, I am trying to be patient with myself, and grow.

Despite my grim mood, my four-year old brought me glimmers of joy today. My baby, who is every day less of a baby, smiled so many times today to comfort my wounded heart. Yes, I thank God for these sweet children. I only pray with His grace I can figure out how to follow His will, and be a better mother to them!

I wish I had a picture of my dear boy today. He was grinning, I mean grinning, ear to ear, all evening!!!

We were up late last night, which left us sleepy after Mass and breakfast this afternoon. We relaxed/took naps, and decided it was too beautiful out to not do something outside. We thought about going on a family bike ride, but settled on teaching DD how to ride a two wheel bike instead. He did not take a nap, so was not liking this idea. We convinced him to give it a try, and Dan worked with him a bit in the back yard. The results weren't coming quick enough, and both were ready to quit. We switched to the driveway, and things got a little better. He was getting it, and his mood was definitely getting better. There was no ambivalence when we asked if he wanted to go practice at the bike path. We threw the bikes in the bed of the truck and went down the road. DD was eager to bike now. The others were content to go back and forth in our sight. Well, after about 15-20 minutes, he had it. I couldn't stop smiling...and neither could he!!! He kept saying, "this is so fun!" and "It's fun to go really fast."

Ah, it is sooo rewarding. To see such joy in a child. To work together with my spouse and persevere to find the right way to keep encouraging him. To see him struggle, and trust, and believe. And then there's that joy. Can everything we have to face in parenting end this nicely?!?! :) Thanking the Lord for this little blessing in our life today.

Things are looking up!

I've had several good days in a row. That's great in my world these days. Ever since my dad died, and we cleaned out the house, I've been in this kind of slump. Hard for me to pinpoint exactly what or why. Well, let's just say this grief thing is just all so weird. The only thing I can compare it to, is feeling like I do when I am postpartum. The house is a mess. Dozens of things, human and non, screaming for my attention, yet not knowing where to direct the attention first. Feeling so overwhelmed I don't know where to start, which in turn makes me feel more overwhelmed. But finally, finally I feel like I can accomplish some things, which in turn makes me feel good about accomplishing more things. It started with a lovely run on Sat. morning. I still felt like I stumbled through the rest of the day, despite the great start. Sunday was very relaxed, as we spent most of the day at a great picnic. It was nice to watch the husband and kids have a good time, and get some knitting done. And of course some great chat time with some great gals.

Yesterday, Memorial day, was the best. I, again, started by running. It was a bit warmer this time, and I reminded myself that if I want to keep this up all summer (which I do), I better wake up earlier to beat the heat. I felt like I had a lot on my mind when running, and as if the exercise was somehow releasing these bad toxins from my body. By way of tears, of course. I just felt very emotional after my run. After my run, we all headed over to the cemetery. Boy, it was so crowded! (This was one of the few days of the year you could leave things on a grave for several days). I was still a bit emotional, and even more so once at Dad's grave. I felt like weeping, but thought I'd better hold it together for the kids. Ah, but they all noticed anyway, and mumbled something about always crying. But it was a beautiful place. It was a beautiful warm day, with a wonderful breeze blowing through. We found Dad's grave looking so nice. You could see all the items family had brought from previous visits. They were several, but not overbearing. And there was the nicest flag in a holder high above the ground, commemorating his service to the US. We brought flag pinwheels and placed them on either side of the flowers. And then we prayed a decade of the rosary. So very nice.

We went on a crazy shopping trip to find pieces we needed to fix the picnic table. I didn't mind too awful much, since I had my knitting with me. Knitting is such a blessing in my life! We got the pieces and headed home to work on the table. I use the term 'we' loosely. I was more or less there for moral support while Dan overhauled our worn table. I did actually clean and inflate the kiddie pool for the kids. I have a love/hate relationship with that pool, so I was surprised I found the gumption to actually pull it out again this year. We put up the EZ fold tent we bought, and stayed outside all afternoon, despite the heat. We had a simple dinner on the new picnic table, and enjoyed watching the kids play on the swing set after dinner.

And then today. I did go back to sleep with Blaise, after Dan went to work. But I managed to wake up earlier than the kids, and do some pilates. Wow! I felt great and just was so proud of myself for finally accomplishing something I've been wanting to do.

And how can I forget the family rosary tonight. That is another routine I hope to continue each evening.

So hopefully the upswing of good days will last. I'm still a little bummed that we didn't plant a garden- for the first time in probably 8 years! I don't know if that window is completely closed, or how much energy I'll put into chasing that goal. I've tried to tell myself, this is just one year, and it's okay. I'm already missing lettuce and spinach, though. Don't know how I'll do later with no tomatoes or cucumbers! Ah, maybe this is just the year to really get to know our local farmer's market!

It's spring...

For me it's not spring till I visit this place. It's Wegerzen's Kid's Garden, one of the metroparks in Dayton.