Gentleness. It's not the first word that comes to mind when I think of virtues. I guess I forget it is a virtue. I mean, faith, hope, charity- those are virtues. Easy to remember- sprinkled everywhere in our rich faith. But gentleness. Isn't that just kind of a 'good idea'? A recommendation of sorts. Maybe that's why I am loving discovering this virtue this month. I love love love Small Steps, and love spending a whole month on this wonderful virtue: Gentleness!!! Yes, a true blue virtue, that we should strive to incorporate in our life, as all the other virtues.

I guess I have no profound comments on how to exactly do this, or how it's working out in my life. :) I'm trying. I can say that much. I'm aware. I try to think before I speak, speak gentleness instead of shout. And it 'works'. I'm all about things working. Meaning: I feel better, my children are happier. We are all calmer, happier, and more apt to do what we are supposed to do.

I wanted to comment on the post from this link. I couldn't read it fast enough...clung to every word.

I wish I had this a dozen years ago. That poor college grad was me...to a T. Checklist and all. Hey, I am a list person, so that was okay, right??? HA! Lists and relationships don't really work. And yet, I felt there was a better way, I just didn't quite know.

I truly think this is the virtue I so need in my life. I know many of my faults and sins can be traced to pride, and I knew I just need to love more. I see now why that was so hard to achieve in my life, because it just seemed too broad. To me, it's like gentleness is a building block to love. Gentleness and humility, go hand in hand, and when you are humble and gentle, you will, in turn, be loving.

And so as I read this, and see that snobby, proud college grad that I was, I have such regrets. It is sooo true. I missed a lot of good people. I missed a lot of good for myself, as a result of scrupulosity.

I know I can't go back and do it over. But I am overjoyed at E. Foss's words. They resound so deeply in my life now, and I am thrilled to be able to have those wise words to share with my children during their lifetime. Oh, but it's not just enough to share those words. I, too, have been so inspired to live those words- with gentleness, and humility.

A happy post about a happy boy. My sweet Blaise is growing up before my very eyes. I'm sure if I search my past posts, there will be a similar one for Sam. It's like at one year old, something happens. That baby is still very much a baby, but all of a sudden, as if overnight, is a little toddler. It didnt' take long with Blaise. He was toddling, and walking, and now running...away. :) And laughing about it. He understands everything I say, sometimes even better than my older kids! 'Lets go', and he's headed toward the door, immediately. Pick this up, put it there. He does it. He's starting to say so many words. Daddy was the clearest word he said first, with DD being a close second. They're still his favorite. Rose is 'ro-ro', and Sammy, well, very rarely he'll sputter out a 'whammy'. Soo cute.

Ball, go, light, 'eady (for 'ready?'), guck for truck, car, are some other words he says well. Today it was 'go-go' for Lego! One of my favorite is "dye", to mean "guy". Whatever they're playing, the kids are always talking about a "guy". "I need a guy." "That's my guy." So Blaise picked up on that.

Of course he says mommy, but it's almost as rare as 'Sammy', unless you count the many times a day he cries and moans it, if I dare leave his sight.

Oh, and then there's 'bathroom', 'potty', and 'di-di' which means I guess I better look into potty training this kid. He seems way more ready than any of my others did at this age! We'll see.

Overall, he is such a fun, cuddly little big boy. He's got the cutest smile with dimples. I love to hold him, but I see that time quickly ending, as he is so independent. I love to see what he's going to say and do next. I just love that God gave us our sweet Blaisey.

So the pieces are starting to fit together, and I'm seeing a bigger picture of what I'm going through. This 'grief' still sucks, and the fact that it can include depression and possible burnout, well, sucks too. That's kind of how I feel these days. Like my very life has been sucked out of me. I have no energy to do what I have to do. I have no joy or desire to do the things I want to do. Well, there is some desire, but no real motivation. And now it's creeping into my livelihood, my vocation: motherhood. I shudder, and cringe at the idea. But last night was rock bottom, so I thought. And this morning, I just sobbed. I didn't want to do any of this any more. I can't cook and clean anymore. I don't want to take care of children anymore. I want to run away from it all. But to where??? That I still can't answer. I know deep down, there is no where else. This is my lifelong dream. This is my vocation. This is where God wants me. But I know there is a better way.

I'm still trying, but with the help of a dear spouse, and other dear people God has placed in my life, I am trying to be patient with myself, and grow.

Despite my grim mood, my four-year old brought me glimmers of joy today. My baby, who is every day less of a baby, smiled so many times today to comfort my wounded heart. Yes, I thank God for these sweet children. I only pray with His grace I can figure out how to follow His will, and be a better mother to them!

I wish I had a picture of my dear boy today. He was grinning, I mean grinning, ear to ear, all evening!!!

We were up late last night, which left us sleepy after Mass and breakfast this afternoon. We relaxed/took naps, and decided it was too beautiful out to not do something outside. We thought about going on a family bike ride, but settled on teaching DD how to ride a two wheel bike instead. He did not take a nap, so was not liking this idea. We convinced him to give it a try, and Dan worked with him a bit in the back yard. The results weren't coming quick enough, and both were ready to quit. We switched to the driveway, and things got a little better. He was getting it, and his mood was definitely getting better. There was no ambivalence when we asked if he wanted to go practice at the bike path. We threw the bikes in the bed of the truck and went down the road. DD was eager to bike now. The others were content to go back and forth in our sight. Well, after about 15-20 minutes, he had it. I couldn't stop smiling...and neither could he!!! He kept saying, "this is so fun!" and "It's fun to go really fast."

Ah, it is sooo rewarding. To see such joy in a child. To work together with my spouse and persevere to find the right way to keep encouraging him. To see him struggle, and trust, and believe. And then there's that joy. Can everything we have to face in parenting end this nicely?!?! :) Thanking the Lord for this little blessing in our life today.