Deep breath in. And I exhale. I think things are going to be alright. I think they are getting better, in many ways.

I went to what I predict to be my last visit to the counselor at Hospice. It's been over a month since I've been there. And what a month it's been. I was really looking forward to going again. This visit was different. A little more...upbeat. Insightful. Calm. So I don't know why I was a little surprised at the end, when I was told I didn't really need to make another appointment, unless I really wanted to. Trust has been a big part of going to these appointments. This counselor's assessment of things, and confidence in the way she presented things led to my trust in her. Although part of me doubted some of the things she said, I kept telling myself to trust her. So, too, in this, I trust her. I feel like I'm finally 'getting it'. All the things she's been explaining to me about the grief and emotions I've been going through. It's looking a little clearer. I'm ready to let go of a lot of past hurts, and make my future, my life as good as it can be. I'm ready to accept grief as it comes, and let it come. I think things are going to be alright.

A relaxing, memorable weekend at Kelley's Island helped tremendously in taking my mind off of things. I honestly did not think of the kitchen once. Not once. Although I was a bit disappointed I couldn't bring the microwave like I wanted. :)

The kitchen is coming along nicely. Last week had too many blips from real life get in the way of doing the kitchen, which kind of annoyed me. So this week we try again. Dan has the grout on half of the tiles (including where the stove goes!). I couldn't be happier. It looks so good. He is so wonderful.

Physically, I'm feeling better. Not so tired. And I am sooo thankful for blogs. This one has been lingering in my mind a lot lately...especially number three. Thankful for my usual E. Foss blogs, on the other end of the baby spectrum, reminding me that this time really is so short. These thoughts have greatly helped me grasp this whole pregnancy thing.

Then, in addition to all the grieving emotions, and hormone emotions, there's the guilt. I remember feeling this a bit with the last one. I was a bit overcome with worry about the future, and it clouded my joy. I felt guilty. Of all I know of pregnancy and motherhood, I should be elated to be pregnant right? Another soul to give glory to God! God's miraculous creative power working inside of me! Ah, but alas, I am human. And it saddens me that with this pregnancy, too, it was met with worry, and grief, and sorrow, and maybe even a tad of anger- definitely stemming from selfishness. Okay, in all reality, I just laughed. Literally laughed when I saw the pregnancy test results. I was in utter disbelief. I really thought I just had a UTI. Ha!

But as those feelings gradually fade (thank God!!!), they are replaced with thoughts of trusting in God. It's something I struggle with, and I really feel like He's calling me to this. After all, I feel like this child is totally His doing. Okay, I know not totally, but really, it's His timing. His doing, I tell ya. I really would not have chosen this...right now. But in a small way, it is almost exciting to think of it that way. That despite all else going on, God trusts us enough, at this time, at this moment, to bring forth another life. I feel that so strongly, and I don't want to let Him down. It's giving me courage and strength to go on and make things work out. Yes, I think things are going to be alright.

Next morning:

So with this next day, during my prayers, I realize what is different. I am at peace. I finally feel like I have some peace over my dad's passing. I feel more at peace with my vocation in life, and the current state of things in my life, and the future, come what may. It is a confident peace, not one that fears it is only here temporarily. It a peace that comes from trusting God, and those he put in my life to help me get through this life. I think so often I feel like I'm in this all alone. What a burden that feels like. I wake up refreshed, with no burden. Just today, and whatever it holds. It's trust, that brings this peace, and it is such a wonderful feeling.