So the pieces are starting to fit together, and I'm seeing a bigger picture of what I'm going through. This 'grief' still sucks, and the fact that it can include depression and possible burnout, well, sucks too. That's kind of how I feel these days. Like my very life has been sucked out of me. I have no energy to do what I have to do. I have no joy or desire to do the things I want to do. Well, there is some desire, but no real motivation. And now it's creeping into my livelihood, my vocation: motherhood. I shudder, and cringe at the idea. But last night was rock bottom, so I thought. And this morning, I just sobbed. I didn't want to do any of this any more. I can't cook and clean anymore. I don't want to take care of children anymore. I want to run away from it all. But to where??? That I still can't answer. I know deep down, there is no where else. This is my lifelong dream. This is my vocation. This is where God wants me. But I know there is a better way.

I'm still trying, but with the help of a dear spouse, and other dear people God has placed in my life, I am trying to be patient with myself, and grow.

Despite my grim mood, my four-year old brought me glimmers of joy today. My baby, who is every day less of a baby, smiled so many times today to comfort my wounded heart. Yes, I thank God for these sweet children. I only pray with His grace I can figure out how to follow His will, and be a better mother to them!