I've been thinking a lot about this post, and am so grateful for having read it. I need to read it often, and the comments that follow.

I feel like I'm one of those parents, that have a lot of fear. I grew up in a less-than-perfect family, and had such a simple perception of what a family should be. I thought everyone else's family was 'perfect'. I'm not talking about getting lots of presents on your birthday, or taking that family trip to Disneyworld. In the light of faith, I felt that there were other families that were doing it 'right', didn't have all the struggles our family had, and, well, that made them perfect.

As if there were a formula for raising a good family.

No, there's no formula. I believe there are good components, good things to do, good things that must, and should be a part of a good family. But as the article basically pointed out- no guarantees.

Bummer.

I really like guarantees. I really like formulas. I really like science, and math. They're so....predictable. Reliable.

Ah, not so with human beings, especially ones created by God, with a free will.

I am no where near the stage of motherhood as the mom in the article. Although, by the grace of being a mother, I have a glimpse of some of the things that us moms go through, as far as guilt, and responsibility, and complete and utter love for these children God has given us. I also feel those fears- fears of how my family was raised, and how many have turned away from the faith, fear that I may some day encounter that same thing with my own children, and a determined drive to all and all prevent that in any way shape or form from that happening to my children.

But that determination sometimes puts too much trust on those externals: homeschooling, limited exposure to social dangers, virtue clubs, more virtue clubs. Check them all off, cus more is better, and we have to work our hardest at making sure these souls are not lost. Well, it's not that any of these things are bad at all, but my trust in them being the end-all-be-all is sorely misguided. It can only be through a solid foundation of trust in God, in His plan- that He has a plan for each and every one of us- myself as a mother, the very children He gave specifically to us, and a plan for each and every one of my children.

Sigh.

Then comes by biggest fear.

My fear that I won't have that 'perfect' life.

Okay, sounds a bit nutty, but secretly, I think of St. Monica sometimes, and think- sheesh! She just had a horrible husband and messed-up son, and just spent her whole life in prayer and sacrifice for them. And her husband converted, but it took his whole life! I hesitate to write 'what a waste', because deep down, I know it was every bit not a waste. God gives us so, so many opportunities for his grace, not one sacrifice we make will go unnoticed by Him.

But that's just it. I'm so stubborn. And selfish. I shudder at the thought of a St. Monica life. No! I just want a nice happy family, and good, faithful children, and a long happy marriage, and a little piece of land to carry out my vocation. Not really the typical 'American dream', but very much the American stubbornness and selfishness that says: this is what I want, and I'll have it no matter what.

This year has been a pretty rough one for me, looking back. I think a lot of it, though, has to do with me, and my reluctance to trust God with my life, and accept everything He sends as for my good. I know in my heart of hearts that suffering in this life is so misunderstood, yet I feel like one of those people crying out to God, 'why me?' When I read articles like this, I am so humbly reminded that it is so not about me, or my life, or what I want or expect to get out of this life. It's not about checklists to do the 'right' thing, in hopes of a 'perfect' outcome. It's not about earthly happiness. It's about learning to live in God's love, and trust, to share that love, and show that love every single day of your life, no matter what He sends your way. To let that love transform your life, and flow over to those he has placed in your care. To accept His love every day, through joys or suffering, and allow His grace to work in you. For me, the article was powerful, but it was also so good to read all the comments, of wayward children that returned to Christ. In those, you hear the stories of the sufferings the mothers endured, and how those sufferings transformed those women to chose to carry their cross with God's grace. Sigh. That is what I fear. That is what I resist.

Faith. Hope. Trust. Grace. That is what I need.

P.S. As said, I'm no where near the stage of motherhood as in the article. My oldest is only eight, and I'm a controlling, homeschool mom. :) My oldest made First Confession and Holy Communion this year. For me, there was a distinct feeling of letting go. A clear realization that she is taking the steps in her faith formation to have a relationship with Christ all her own. I relish that she sometimes asks to pray with me. But today, when she went in the confessional on her own, that realization was there again: that she was created by God, for God, and is only on loan to us. She is going somewhere I cannot follow, and this is how it should be. She is forming her own relationship with Christ. I pray she never, never loses it.