An odd post amongst so many baby posts, but my thought have drifted toward, well, nineteen. 'What is it about nineteen' a friend of mine said, who has a nineteen year old. Oh, I remember that year well. I knew everything. Really. I did. (In fact, I kinda knew just about everything when I was sixteen). I knew what I wanted to do in life, I knew where I was going, and things were going to be just perfect. I was exceptional. I didn't do all the stupid stuff nineteen year olds do. I didn't want to drink, or smoke, or rebel and test my limits and cause my parents and family grief. I didn't want to throw all my morals in the trash and insist I knew better than some judgmental 'church'. Who were they to tell me anything. I knew it all already.

Honestly, I was a bit different. Well, a lot different. I really didn't desire any of the crazy stupid lifestyle the world feeds nineteen year olds. In fact, I was utterly resistant to it. I was in college. I had a scholarship. I was 'smart', and playing my cards the right way. I wasn't going to screw that up. At the same time, what I thought I wanted most in life came along. I didn't want to pass it up. It didn't work out. I was shattered. I kept plugging away...at school, at work. It's just what I did. I still thought I knew everything. I still thought God was making a big mistake...somehow. I still clung to God like never before, hoping to someday understand.

There were a few long years there, I remember wishing God would just tell me what he wanted me to do, and leave it in a nice note under my pillow. Lots of hanging on to Him.

Then I got married. And I knew, well, not everything, but most everything. Still trying to play it right, play by the rules. And then I had a child. Whew. I'm guessing that's when my 'know everything' streak took a sharp plunge, and I feel like it's been plummeting ever since! Well, I know I don't know everything, and I am to the point, too, I don't want to know everything. It really must be with the age, and needing to find out for yourself. I don't care if I know everything or not. I am now likely to seek knowledge from others, and apply what I need to my life, but it's not so much a part of me, as it was before.

Now, not that nineteen wasn't a blast in some respects. But I wonder how many people looked at me and shook their heads...'ah, if she only knew...'

Okay, so my long dissertation also comes at finding out about another nineteen year old who sadly has, in my opinion, thrown away his faith and joined the world in such a sad way. And that's what's on my mind. Sadly, I grew up with so much of that. My family was so estranged from my older brothers and sisters because of their life choices, because of the direct opposition it took to the way they were trying to raise the rest of the children. I feel like I can somewhat find the balance in what my parents did, or tried to do, and why. I feel like I could agree with them now more than ever. But at the same time. I don't know if that's the right way to handle things. It certainly didn't create more peace or happiness in our family, so I'm reluctant to use that as a credible example. I guess I'm just like that. I think that relationships can sometimes be handled like math problems, or even as simple as discipline, like in little kids. If A happens, enforce B, to achieve behavior C. Repeat.

Okay, I guess it's crazy for me to worry about any of this at this point. It sure makes me more thankful I have my little ones home, close to me. It just makes me nervous, too. I guess I take this motherhood and family thing so seriously. I want so much to raise a Godly family. When I hear about other families and their struggles, I keep thinking I care way too much about this family to just be okay with little Johnny going off the deep end when he's nineteen. How the heck to families deal with that! Ugh! I guess it's also just worry at this point. My DH is way more confident he won't let the devil infiltrate our family. I keep thinking, but what if? How would we handle it? How would we react?

Yes, this parenthood thing is far, far greater than anything I ever thought or knew. Loving it right now, and I know if I beg for God's grace to be a good parent, He will be there to supply it, through all of my worries!