I'm in a pretty pissy mood tonight. Oh, can I say that? Oh, yeah, it's my blog. I guess I can.

Went to a wedding today of a high school friend. We got there late. Like by seconds. The usher wouldn't seat us, or let us in the back of the church. So we stood there, looking through the glass windows as the wedding party went into the church, one by one. As the usher opened the door for his buddy to go in...and the mom that took her kid out to the bathroom. But we couldn't just sneak in. Really I am a little more peeved about it now than I was then. I was just sooo ticked that we got there late. Really. What else can I do other than get ready for a two thirty wedding first thing in the morning. What was I thinking, waiting till the hour before. And I guess having to wait to be seating was like adding salt to the wound.

I guess it's my pride driving it in. It's so embarrassing to be late to things. To not have your life together enough to be able to commit to something and follow through with it. Something as simple as being on time. Be it to something like a wedding, where they'll start without you, or worse yet, a party, where they are waiting for you in order to start. So it actually wasn't the waiting outside that was the salt on the wound. It was the fact this happens over and over, and I just get so tired of it! It's so hard for me to stay calm and be hopeful and just have a positive attitude about the whole thing. So I was pissy.

Then we're in this Protestant church. This guy I knew from high school was not religious in any way back then. A few years ago, he emailed me asking about my faith. He knew it was something I held dear, and I guess he was at that point in his life. I, not wanting to be my dad, didn't give a simple dissertation on religion in general, the Catholic faith in particular. Instead I think I just simply responded with a blurb about finding the truth and prayer or something. Ya know, planting seeds, not choking them with the truth. So today, I couldn't help but thinking what would have happened if I would've responded differently. I regret not putting more of a plug in for the Catholic Church. Gosh I make it sound like selling insurance or something! No, I just mean, I have this ridiculous past of Dad shoving truth at people...everywhere! I mean, at what point do people that don't even know him just look and shake there head and call him some religious fanatic! So I don't want to be that way. So my typical extreme self thinks I should just stick to generals...prayer, faith, truth, love. Sheesh! That's not me! That's not the gal I was in high school! Why was I so afraid to just tell him some basics of the truth the Catholic Church holds! Why was I so afraid to simply tell him what I believe! This situation was nothing like Dad's. I knew this guy- for quite a while. He was seeking out my opinion! Where has my confidence gone! Sigh.

Yeah. That's a lot there.

So anyway, we're in this church, and I pretty much have smoke coming out of my ears, while the pastor and his wife pastor (?) were going on about love and love and commitment. I just wasn't feeling it. I just felt a little uncomfortable in this whole other denomination of worship. I kept listening, waiting to catch the man who was preaching on some bible verses to say something way out there, way different that what the truth was. But to be honest, I think it was a pretty conservative congregation. I really didn't disagree with what he was saying. But I sure could tell what was lacking. It was hard to have my kids there. I wanted so much to soar into this all with Rose. I wanted to try to explain things to her about the differences. I knew I couldn't I knew there was no use. She's not viewing this with my background. I will wait, and if she has any questions, I'll be here to answer them.

So I think at the root of all this disquiet within me is my sister's wedding. I couldn't help thinking this is what her's was like. I'm mad I couldn't go. I'm glad I didn't go. Here I was at this legit Protestant wedding, and I still wasn't doing so great! I know if I was at hers, I would've just wept. And I just hate that I'm that way! Why do I have to think about this all so much , and be aware of it all so much!! Why does this all bother me so much. Why can't I be like all the other carefree, ever-loving Catholics in the world that just go along with everything and don't even flinch! No. Not me. I'm the oddball.

So I actually was feeling better by the end of the wedding. I listened to the pastor's rendition of marriage, and I crafted my own Catholic beliefs with it, creating a nice little pep talk for myself! I wasn't upset anymore was looking forward to seeing my friend and his new wife.

Everything was going fine. The reception was nice. We sat with a lady and a girl we didn't know, since there were no completely empty tables. Everything was okay, until I overheard this lady talking to another lady. Yeah, I know. It does me no good to hear this kind of stuff. Anyway, they were talking about the mother and the sister of my friend, neither of which were at the wedding. I had known that there was an issue between my friend's mom and his now wife. I don't know what the issue is. I was simply told they don't like one another. So sadly, when I heard these women talking, it made me think of my sister's wedding, and what people would say or think about me. I know, it's ridiculous and sad at the same time that I worry about what others say about me. I feel like I had a legit reason to not attend my sister's wedding, not simply because, oh, I don't like someone. And I'm not saying that I don't think his mom and sister had a legit reason. I just don't know, and I'm curious. It's not often you go to a wedding, and family doesn't come. I guess in this country, there's an unwritten law that says you have to attend weddings of your family members, or you're kooky. Okay, maybe reality is that families just have issues, some more than others. No family is perfect, and maybe some families are better at putting things past them than others. BUT wait, is that what is said and thought about me??? Is that how my family thinks of me???? Like this lady was speaking, 'oh, I'll still talk to them and pray for them.' (meaning the mother and sister). Am I the one in my family that needs prayer and patience and understanding because I just wasn't there at that point in my life to overlook my sister's religious preference, and celebrate her wedding?? I'm the one that needs some growing here? I'm the one that needs to break out of my uptight, self-righteous shell and reach out out and be more loving and accepting??? And we should applaud everyone else in my family who is doing that...including my Dad. He's made such great strides!!! We should be so happy he could participate in any way he can. Boy, I guess I'm just a dumb ox then, who needs lots of prayers. Maybe someday I'll "get it".

Okay, so if you're reading this and thinking I'm totally crazy, I understand. I've had a lot of thoughts about this for the past month I just haven't been able to quite get all out, and then they come back...with new ones along! Particularly when I, for the only second time in my life, go to a wedding in a Protestant church, and it just so happens that key members of the groom's family are not present, and the very table we sit at becomes host for a conversation about these family members! So please pardon me while I vent, and weep, and sort through all the strange array of feelings I went through today.

Okay, so as a post script of sorts....

I feel like I'm 'feeling' this all too much. I'm thinking and worrying and feeling the differences all too much. I remember doing this very thing when I was on my own 'faith journey' if you will. When I was confronted with things in my faith I didn't quite get, or didn't know how to really handle. Like some of the abuses in the Church. (not the recent scandals the media love to tell about- like the liberal agenda some in the Church are pushing for). I knew the abuses were not good, but things we kinda had to endure...or not promote. But here was a crowd telling me it was the reasons the Catholic Church, as I knew it, wasn't legit! Sheesh! Talk about confusion. I was the same way. I thought, and thought, and read, and studied, and worried and prayed. I was so tuned into conversations about this new train of thought and belief system. I was being sucked in, yet deep down feeling, but not exactly knowing, it wasn't right. It engrossed me.

Now, I shrug at those conversations. Been there, done that. I'm not going to have that argument, because I already made my mind up on this or that. I'm not going to worry about it. I've come to peace with my decision. I no longer have that disquiet. It was something I had to learn about, and figure out on my own. I made my decision. I know I made the right choice. Of that, I have no regrets.

So I feel a bit the same way now. But it's not my life, and my choice of which path to take. It's my sister's. And I can't help weeping over her choice. And I don't know how to handle it. And I feel, just a bit, like I'm reacting too much. Like I'm making it too dramatic. I so wish I weren't that way (enter carefree Catholic wish again). I feel just as I felt as I was when I was in the thralls of my own religious conversion. It's just that it's so close to home. So that's why I could go to my friend's Protestant wedding years ago and be happy as a clam, and now, upon entering that church, I was confronted with all these thoughts of my sister.

As a post-post script...I know I normally don't blog these things. I know my posts are more like:

Went to a really nice wedding today from a high school friend. It was so nice! We were a little late, but had a great time. When we got home, poor Sam burned his finger on the iron, so that made for a tiring evening, with him and Blaise crying. Then Dan and I had a tiff, so I went to burn some steam by weeding the garden. And there I came up with all these thoughts that I normally don't blog about. :) (All of that said with a grinning smile, by the way. :)

But the truth is, it really helps me to write out my thoughts, especially when I'm upset, or frustrated or sad. I really hope I didn't hurt any by sharing these raw thoughts with you, I'm almost a bit sorry for sharing some of my crazy thinking. But it just seemed to be flowing tonight....